How would you react if your child’s team won by a score of 106-11?
Occasionally I hear the score of a game that is so unbelievably lopsided it makes me wonder who was in charge and what were they thinking? Last month a high school girls’ basketball team beat an opponent by 95 points. My first thoughts were for the girls on the losing team, but I find it hard to believe that anyone could have left that gym feeling good about the outcome.
If I had been on the losing team, I would have felt embarrassed, frustrated, and humiliated, even though it was clear my teammates and I simply didn’t have the skills or depth to challenge the opponent.
If had been the coach of the losing team, I might have asked the other coach to slow the game down—or I might have even pulled my team from the floor. And I would have made it clear to my players in a post-game talk that their value is not displayed on the scoreboard. That I was proud of their persistence in the face of adversity. And that they could take lessons from the experience that will serve them in the future.
If I had been a player on the winning team, I would have felt the same emotions as the girls I beat. Embarrassed about what we had done, frustrated that I was expected to keep scoring, and humiliated by the negative image it cast on my team.
And, if I were the coach of the winning team?
WelI…I could not have been. Because nobody wins in that scenario. I would have told my team to hold the ball, practice our passing, and let a chunk of time run off the clock before scoring—anything to keep the score somewhat reasonable. These were teenagers, not collegiate or professional athletes.
Plenty of coaches have taken the low road.
In his book, InsideOut Coaching, Joe Ehrmann describes a similar situation. While coaching 10-12-year-olds, Ehrmann’s team was down by 30 points at the end of the third quarter and the opponents were still in a full-court press. He called timeout to compliment the other coach on his team’s performance. Then he asked the coach to consider how Ehrmann’s players felt, and not run up the score. The opposing coach was shocked by the request but stopped the press. Ehrmann thanked him after the game and told him he was a good coach.
Sportsmanship is a crucial component of what Ehrmann describes as transformational coaching:
“… when coaches keep their first-string players in the game despite being way ahead on the scoreboard. It shows a lack of empathy for the other team, its players, its coach, and its extended family. Competition, true competition, is about maintaining the honor of the opponent. Sure, we want to prepare to win and play to win, but never at the expense of our opponent’s well-being.
Coaches who run up the score usually say something like “I can’t tell my kids not to play.” Which makes me wonder, why not? Kids today play in dozens of games every year. Is holding back during one game going to hurt their skills? Is winning while keeping the opponents’ dignity intact not an admirable way to win? Isn’t it a lesson worth teaching?
What might you do if your child is part of a lopsided game?
Sometimes the lessons of sport are learned long after the fact, but what is said immediately after a game has a lasting an impact. Whether your child is on the receiving or giving side of a lopsided score, talk to them to see how they feel about the situation.
Remind your child on the losing team that they are more than the score. That it takes courage to keep playing in that situation and they will face other challenges in life that require the same courage. Suggest they remember to think about future opponents with empathy should they ever find themselves on the other side of the equation. And help them look forward rather than dwell on the game.
And what if your child is on the team that wins?
If they feel bad about the situation, then your child is developing empathy. They and others on the team who feel the same way might ask the coach if they can handle things differently if they ever find themselves in that situation again.
But if they revel in the victory? Maybe it’s time to discuss the meaning of sportsmanship—because sometimes what matters most is how you play the game.
Read more about transformational coaching in Joe Ehrmann’s book InsideOut Coaching.
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