Rewarding experiences start with desire
My father’s coaching philosophy was built on three things: desire, discipline and structure—or as my family knows it: D.D.S.
As a coach, it was his responsibility to provide the structure of practice and teaching the game. It was his players’ responsibility to be disciplined in their learning of the game—to understand their role and responsibilities to the team. Structure and discipline can be learned and develop with practice. But desire comes from deep within each of us.
Desire happens naturally
We start to feel desire as a kid and if parents pay attention, they can see the activities their kids are most drawn to. What do your children choose to do when they’re left alone to figure it out?
When my mother observed me writing poems as soon as I learned to create sentences at school, she bought me a notebook to encourage my efforts. It took me too long to figure out that I belonged in a wordsmithing career, so when I became a mother of daughters, I was interested to learn that girls show their truest selves between the ages of 9-11, before the insecurities of the middle school years set in. I watched for what lit a fire in my girls.
My younger daughter spent hours at the coloring table in our living room, and her kindergarten drawings of people included eyelashes and jewelry. She used Kid Pix on our first home computer to make greeting cards for friends and family. It was a no-brainer to sign her up for painting classes with a local artist when she was in fifth grade. She said it was her favorite part of the week. It was right to support her interest in creative activities. She earned a Bachelor of Fine Arts and now earns a living as a graphic designer. She designed my logo, website and the emails that deliver this blog.
I think joy and desire are linked. My desire drives me to spend my free time writing. But I don’t think I could get up at 5 a.m. to write if it didn’t bring me joy. Most mornings, time flies and I stop reluctantly when it’s time to go to work. But on the mornings when I struggle—when I spin my wheels on a paragraph that still doesn’t sound right after an hour’s effort, it’s my desire that pulls me back the next morning to try again.
Discovering desire with unstructured play
When they have free play time, kids will choose games and activities that brings them joy. They create make-believe-worlds out of cardboard boxes or organize neighborhood kickball games. They don’t have to be told what will bring them joy—what is fun. And when they return to an activity often, odds are it is their desire pulling them in that direction.
Kids can be drawn to a sport in the same way, but when they are scheduled early and often into youth sports activities, I wonder if they get the chance to figure out which ones they want to play.
And when adults plan their children’s fun—when having fun is dependent on parents sitting on the sideline and receiving a treat and a juice box after the game, well, something is missing.
Of course, a child has to be introduced to something to know it exists, but introducing kids to a sport can happen slowly, and with time to explore other options. When they are given the chance to choose what they enjoy most, kids move closer to their desire. But they need unscheduled time to do that. There is a lot of value in making time for unstructured play.
How to start making changes
Does your child’s schedule include some free time every day? A chunk of downtime on the weekend? If not, you can look for ways to make that happen:
Is there an activity they aren’t excited about attending that can be dropped?
Are they double-booked playing for two sports teams in one season?
Does one of their activities pose a problem for your family, like time, costs or travel?
It’s okay for a parent to say no to an activity. But if you are able to give your child the power to say no to something, you will build their confidence in their own decision-making.
Ask if they could only choose one, would they rather be on the swim team or the soccer team? You might be surprised at the answer.
They may choose soccer one year and swimming the next—and that’s okay. They will learn to weigh options, make choices and adjust when needed. They will build thinking skills as they grow up, as the decisions become more important—right up to deciding where to go to college and what to study.
Over the past two decades, the level of parental involvement in children’s activities has been on a steady incline. Some argue that kids need early instruction from adults for later success, or they need to be supervised when they play to protect them from danger. But when kids are micromanaged, they become young adults who have not been prepared for the bumps of life.
If you want to make changes, but aren’t sure where to start, check out the nonprofit Let Grow, that was established in 2017 to promote childhood independence and resilience. The kind of independence that fuels a child’s desire.
Learn more
The Serious Business of Play – American Psychological Association
Let Grow
To Raise Confident, Independent Kids, Some Parents Are Trying To 'Let Grow' – a 4-minute listen on National Public Radio