Why do we expect too much from kids who play sports?
Last week I wrote about how the pressure of the Olympics and the expectations we collectively put on Simone Biles prompted a mental setback and a case of the twisties. Most of our children are not going to compete in the Olympics. In fact, only three percent of them will play collegiate sports and fewer than that will play professional sports. Yet many parents of young athletes expect them to play as though they will compete at the highest level someday.
What is discussed during conversations at the dinner table or in the car before or after the game tells a child what is important to their parents. It doesn’t take long for kids to tie their self-worth to how well they play or whether their team wins the game, if that’s what is emphasized.
Kids tend to want to please their parents. If they don’t think they can meet their parents’ expectations, it’s no wonder that so many children opt out of sports before they get to high school. It’s a natural instinct to protect ourselves from what hurts.
Mayo Clinic Sports Psychologist Max Trenerry says parents should be a safety net in this short video, “The problem with parents overpressuring kids to win.”
Why do some parents, who may be supportive of their child’s classroom work or performance at a music recital, become more outspoken and set the bar higher for sports?
John M. Tauer is a former athlete and sports parent and is the head men’s basketball coach at the University of St. Thomas, as well as a psychology professor. In his book, “Why Less is More for WOSPS—Well-Intentioned, Overinvolved Sports Parents,” he discusses why youth sports is so emotionally charged for parents.
We all want our children to do well in their academic work, as well as activities like band, art and music lessons, but none of those are done in as public a venue as sports. None of them have public scoreboards. He reminds us that “…kids’ actions, accomplishments, and failures are there for everyone to see, day after day and play after play.”
Parents tend to see their kids’ accomplishments and failures as a reflection on themselves. In the worst-case scenario, for some parents, their children’s sports experience becomes their own.
Would parents want to be watched that closely as they complete their jobs? I doubt it.
Tauer explains that when kids know that every move, every play, every action they take on the field is seen and scrutinized not only by their own parents, but their teammates’ parents, they perform instead of play. The original purpose of playing and any benefits to be gained can be quickly lost.
“Most children don’t take math exams with dozens of parents watching, cheering, hollering, encouraging, yelling, or even criticizing the performance. Imagine how odd it would be to see parents show up for exams in school and then spend hours dissecting their child’s performance at home. Why then, do we accept those same behaviors as normal…at sporting events?”
How to set realistic sports expectations for children
It is important for parents and coaches to set expectations. But they need to be realistic for the situation and a child’s age. We don’t expect our fifth graders to do algebra. Why would we expect them to have the soccer skills of a 14-year-old? Kids know their physical and mental limits. When the expectations put on them exceed what they know they are capable of, many drop out of sports.
The Aspen Institute Project Play has developed checklists for parents who want to encourage healthy activity for their children. True Sport also provides resources for parents, including a parent code of conduct.
The beginning of the school year is a good time to reflect on what you hope your child will gain this year in the classroom and from their activities. And maybe it’s a good time to check some of your sports expectations at the door.
Resources
Why Less is More for WOSPs—Well-Intentioned Overinvolved Sports Parents: How to be the best sports parent you can be, by John M. Tauer, PhD
Aspen Institute Project Play Parent Resources
Related Lessons from the Driveway
What we can learn from a world-class gymnast with the “twisties”